


Hope

by Lisa Martin (LisaM)



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-31
Updated: 2020-08-31
Packaged: 2021-03-07 03:07:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,867
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26219848
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LisaM/pseuds/Lisa%20Martin
Summary: Can Xander give Spike hope?
Relationships: Xander Harris/Spike
Kudos: 12





	Hope

**Author's Note:**

> I found this story on an old hard drive. Unbetad, so all mistakes are mine.

_I’ve taken so many down, I’ve helped them all to dismount._

Sometimes there is a space in time where you just exist. Where nothing seems to matter but you. Where memories parade through your mind and present themselves with shocking clarity. It’s a time to make sense of it all.  
That time is now, a lull in the madness, the eye of the storm. I sit on my rooftop and stare at the sky. I came up here to…to do what? Think? No, not really. To not think, to let time pass me by and ignore me for a while. No such luck, of course.  
As soon as I sat down, my life started flashing before me. For a moment I panicked, because that only happens when you’re about to die, right? That fear passed quickly, making me laugh about my silliness. Yet, the walk down memory lane wouldn’t stop, so I surrendered to it.  
My early years, nothing much there. Just a regular kid, struggling his way through school. Then the image of a library appears, the library. The overheard conversation that gave my life a full 180 turn. I hear it in my mind, word for word, and for a brief moment I wonder how my life would’ve turned out had I ignored it. I can’t imagine.  
The fights, the battles we waged, the enemies. An imaginary street parade of demons and vampires. The only thing lacking is the music. One by one they disappear, slain by unseen hands. We sure killed a lot over the years. Some remain, they still dwell this planet.

_I’ve followed so many down, I take their hand me downs_

None of us came away unscathed. We all had our pain, our suffering. We lost loved ones, too many. There were times we lost our confidence. Dark times those were, where we were wandering around without really knowing why. We always got through, although with an another set of scars added to the ones we were already carrying. Every demon we killed, every battle we fought, each and every one of them has left its mark.

_All with hope, all with hope that_   
_Emptiness brings fullness and_   
_Loss of love brings wholeness to us all_

Are we stronger because of those marks? Yes and no. We continue, knowing we have to, knowing that with each battle fought we gain knowledge on how to fight the next one. That is our strength. We also weaken with each death, with each loss, realising that there is less to fight for. Friends are few and getting fewer, lovers non-existent.  
Yet, hope rules, at least in my heart. It’s fragile, but it has never been broken. It’s how I survive, how I find the courage to get up every morning.

_Everything I believe in crawls from underneath the streets_

You can only ignore evil for so long. It will bite you in the ass one day. We never had the luxury of being oblivious, nor will we ever. There are days, like today, when it’s all I believe in, all I can believe in. No light anywhere, even the stars seem to have taken the night off. It was just another fight, nothing really special, nothing we haven’t done a thousand times before. It just became too much. The blood, the gore, the dust. It seeps into my pores and no matter how long I shower, it leaves its traces. I feel marked by evil. Permanently.

_Everything I love comes from somewhere high above_

Do I still love? Strangely enough, I do. My friends, whom I love without restraint, without conditions. They don’t always treat me well, but I love them none the less. They’re here and that’s what matters. To me, they are like the stars I don’t see tonight, seemingly close enough to touch and yet so far away. I can still see their light, though, most of the time.

_Everything I believe in is wrong with you, is wrong with me_   
_Everything I truly love I love in you, I love in me_

And there´s this other love. One that shouldn´t be, but is. From the outside it looks tainted, twisted. Wrong. As wrong as the evil that roams the Hellmouth. It is, on a certain level. My own shortcomings, my flaws, my mistakes, they are revealed in this love. Ruthlessly, cruelly. It scrapes me raw, but never leaves me to bleed. Because at the point where it becomes unbearable, light shines through. That distant starlight heals my cuts and bruises, sooths my emotional wounds.

_Swear you can´t swim the river_   
_I saw you running to jump in_

A smile touches my face. All attitude, all boisterous talk, all self assured and cocky. How much of it is real? Not a lot. It´s a front, a mask you wear to protect yourself. Sometimes, the mask slips and reveals your true face. Like tonight. You saved all of us. You sensed that demon that was about to attack us and killed it. Oh, you did that before, many times, but tonight was special. We were too busy fighting those fledges to notice it. Had you not interfered, it would’ve killed us. A trap, yes, one we walked into with open eyes.  
You smiled when the others thanked you. You shrugged the compliments off with your usual rudeness, but I saw your eyes light up for a moment. You felt worthy.  
Maybe that’s the reason I’m up here now. That tiny smile rocked the foundations of my world. Stupid, huh? I should know all about having a inferiority complex, suffering from the same disease myself. It just never occurred to me that the Big Bad, the proudest creature I ever knew, would have the same problem. Was I that blind? No, I haven’t been. I knew about your insecurity, but I thought it was just a temporary thing, like in the early days of the chip. I thought you would get over it in time. You won’t. Not on your own.  
Am I the one to help you? I want to, but I’m not sure if I can. I love you, that I don’t question. Maybe I should tell you. I haven’t, not yet. Always waiting for the right moment. Always cowering behind that sorry excuse.  
I sense you before I hear you. Turning around, I hold out my hand in invitation. And smile. Smile, because it makes me happy to see you. Always.  
You take the offered hand and sit down as close to me as you can. Usually I let you lean against me, holding you in my arms. Tonight, I want something different. I turn a bit and let my head rest against your shoulder. I can’t see your face, but I can imagine the surprise that is written on there. Slowly, hesitantly, your arms come around me. I sigh, a surge of happiness going through me.  
We sit for a while, neither of us talking. You barely speak when we’re together, but you say so much. A touch, a smile, those simple things that tell me more than words would ever do. You need to belong. You always needed that, but we never noticed. Vampire equals evil equals being perfectly fine on his own. How wrong we were.  
The soul, you got for Buffy. She knows that and feels guilty about it. Another thing I haven’t told you, not sure if I ever will. To everyone’s surprise you turned to me when you returned.

_I swear I would never be your sinner_   
_Until I held your sin_

I resisted you moving in with me as long as I could. Let you rot in the basement of the new school, not even visiting you. Buffy’s stories about you being completely nutty I ignored. I detested her worry, though. She is responsible for your suffering, she used you. That you let her use you, I didn’t want to hear.  
Finally, I gave in. Kicking and screaming, as they expected me too, but inside I was relieved the others made the decision for me. For days, I did nothing but yell at you. Shut up, clean up after yourself, don’t spill blood over the floor, those sort of things. It was when I realised you weren’t feeding anymore, too scared to spill blood, I came to my senses.  
A shiver rolls down my spine. You tighten your hold on me, silently giving support. No questions, just this slight tightening of your arms around me. You understand I don’t need words now.  
I found you on the floor of the bathroom. Passed out. The insult that had been on the tip of my tongue died there. The sight of that famine thin body scared the hell out of me. The first thing I did was run to the kitchen and check up on the stock of blood. It hadn’t been touched since I restocked three days before. The realisation that you’ve been starving yourself hit me like a sledgehammer. At that very second I let go of my mask. That I had almost killed you because of my insecurity made it melt away faster than snow in the sun.  
From then on, I made you feed. Got human blood, which you refused to touch first. It was only when I told you I got it from the blood bank, you took it. Reluctantly. I found out why not an hour later when you threw up the whole lot. The soul rejects it.  
Things were all bad, though. For one, I found out you were a cuddler. You love to snuggle up to me when we watch TV. The first time you did that, I joked about you going to purr in no time. It was then I saw a flash of the old Spike return, stating that vampires do not purr. Ever. I almost cheered at the defiant look you gave me.  
You noticed, didn’t you? You saw I wanted the old you back. Ever since then you’ve been trying to tell me that vampire will never return. Even if you would lose the soul, you are going to be different. Too much water under the bridge.  
I am slowly starting to accept it. It’s not easy, but I guess I’ll have to if I want to keep you with me. I want that. More than anything.  
I twist a bit so I can see your face. “Hey,” I call out softly. You look down at me, gracing me with a gentle smile. If the others only knew how gentle you can be. Dawn does, but she only talks about it when she is sure no one else can hear it but me. Her concern is genuine, she cares a great deal for you. And I’m beginning to suspect she is on to me. Those secretive smiles, the occasional wink in my direction, yep, she is definitely on to me. Doesn’t bother me in the slightest. She’ll be my cheering squad whenever this obsession of mine comes to light. Because an obsession it is. You are in my thoughts day and night. I regroup those thoughts, set them in line and decide to take the plunge.  
You’re still smiling as I sit up and face you. Slowly I reach out and touch your face. You sit motionless, your eyes looking into mine. There’s a hint of confusion in them, but also an enormous amount of trust. I almost back off, fearful of betraying that trust, but the urge to tell you how I feel is stronger.  
“Love you.”  
The sky lights up with a flash. I grin, even nature is shocked about my admission. The next second smiling is the farthest thing from my mind as you jerk away. My hands reach out in order to stop you, but it’s a futile attempt; I grab nothing but air. Panic rushes through me as I see you running off and I yell your name. It stops you, you sink down on the ground. Amazed and appalled at the power I have over you, I watch you curl up into a shaking ball of misery.

_I’ve become the beggar now, you’ve become the saint somehow_

I crawl up to you, but halt when I hear you speak.  
“No.”  
That small word holds so much, I can’t decide what to make of it. Don’t touch me, don’t come closer, don’t love me? The first two are the easiest, I can keep my distance for now. The last one is impossible.  
Thunder cracks above us and the sky opens to let out buckets of rain. In seconds I am soaked to the skin, but I don’t care. I stare at you, helplessness invading my mind and body. “Spike..” my voice whispers over the rain. Your head comes up, eyes flashing yellow.  
“Don’t play with me. I know I’m pathetic.”  
What? That’s not…my thoughts shriek to a halt. I would react the same way, less melodramatic perhaps, but the reasoning would be the same. Why me? Why should anyone care for pathetic me? Drive me into a corner and expect me not to lash out? Tough luck. And yet, I have done just that with you. Stupid me. I need to choose my words carefully…no. Again my mind stops me, or is my heart? I need to be honest here. Ruthlessly honest, no matter how much the outcome can hurt me.  
“I am not playing, I’ve never been more serious in my life.”  
“Yeah right.” Was that a snort? It was. “Taking care of the souled vampire. Let him believe he’s safe, then strike at the right moment.”  
I don’t like the way you are talking about yourself in third person. Isn’t that a sign of insanity? Shoving that question aside, I focus on what you said. “I like to be needed, I admit that. Call it a flaw of character, but damned if I care. Having you around isn’t a hardship, no matter how many times I told you it is. That’s just my inferiority complex talking. I can’t believe you let me take care of you, so I hide behind insults and snarky comments. Truth is, I like you being here.”  
“That’s a far cry from loving me.”  
You aren’t commenting on what I said, and I take that as a good sign. “Maybe it is. I have been attracted to you for a long time. Proud, so sure of what you were. A Master Vampire, one of youngest around.” I smile at your startled look. Yes, I’ve done my research. “You earned that title the hard way. No hand outs from your family, you fought for it. And you deserve it. Still.” I have your full attention now. Incredulous, but undivided. “You still deserve it because you never did anything to lose it. I know, the soul,” I wave your expected protest away. “But you got that after years of suffering because of the chip. It wasn’t just about Buffy, was it?”  
Your head goes down again and you stay silent for a long time. Then a slow shake of your head. “No.”  
Thought as much. When that thought struck a while back, I felt like hitting myself for not seeing it sooner. Buffy was the final straw, she made you face the choice you knew you had to make someday. Up till then you were in limbo, so to speak, not wanted by anyone. The mockery of both the demon and the human world, not belonging anywhere. I’ve said it before, you need to belong. That the chip is out now is nothing short of ironic. And cruel.  
“You still are respected in the demon world.” I let out a laugh. “You should see Willy’s face whenever we demand blood for you. Information we have to beat out of him, but supplying blood is never a problem. Never noticed we don’t pay for it, ever?”  
You look at me and I see a smile tugging at the corners of your mouth. You like that, huh? It’s the truth, one Buffy made me swear never to tell you. I break that oath because you need to hear this. Your name still strikes terror in that world. And guess what? I wouldn’t want it any other way. It’s what you are.  
“Mind me going there and getting me own blood?”  
The gleam in your eyes tells me it was just a token question, so I shake my head, grinning. “Not in the least. Place gives me the creeps.” A smirk. A full blasted smirk. Score one for the Xandman. This was the easy part, I have more dangerous ground to tread tonight. “There’s another part of me that I haven’t shared with a lot of people. Wills has seen glimpses of it, but I don’t think she really believed what she saw. Darkness calls out to me, it has done so many times.”  
“Born and raised on a Hellmouth. Not surprised, pet.”  
Probably not. But there’s a little more to it than you think. “I am drawn to it, even though I know it’s wrong. It’s a siren’s call and sometimes I am too weak too resist.”  
“But you never gave in.”  
Me? The White Knight? The goodie two shoes? I feel my face setting in a grim mask. “That’s what everyone thinks. They’re all wrong. I gave in more than once. Way before I knew this place was literally the mouth of hell. No one noticed, because I can hide very well. Put on a dopey smile and there’s not a single soul who will take you seriously. It’s been a perfect hiding place.”  
“What did you do?” There’s interest in your voice. Not the ‘I want to know every gory detail’ kind of interest, but more the ‘how is it possible I never noticed?’ kind.  
“Obsessed by black magic for a while. Not that I could ever do a spell right, but I tried quite a few. Think I burned a tree down once.” You flash me a grin, and I return it. “I was eleven! That in itself was disturbing enough, I mean, how many eleven year olds try to practice black magic?”  
“Not a lot. Not seriously, anyway.”  
“I was serious about it, much more serious than a kid that age should be. My goal? Obliterate my parents.” You nod, an understanding look in your eyes. One more thing you know about me: my less than stellar relationship with my parents. “After that it was stealing. Trying to get caught, so they could take me away from home. Of course, I never got caught, so I gave that up. The discovery of the Hellmouth opened up a whole range of possibilities. I never acted on any of my urges, too involved with slaying to do anything about it. Then…you. Dark, sexy, alluring, evil. Everything I wanted to be, but wasn’t.” I pause, gathering my courage to spill one of my darkest secrets. “When you refused to take me when Angel offered me to you, I tried to kill myself.”  
“You saw me for the first time then.”  
I smile, noticing the strain in your voice. “It was. It was enough, though. My whole world shattered at that moment. Instant attraction and instant rejection.”  
“Wasn’t because of you. Was Angel.” You scoot closer to me, just a few inches. I look at you and see that some of the tension has gone.  
“I know that now,” I tell you. “But then it simply was too much. I would’ve welcomed the darkness you could give me. When that didn’t happen, I decided I’d seek it myself. Threw myself into fights, landed in hospital several times, then palmed my painkillers and swallowed them all at once.” I shake my head ruefully. “Don’t do that in the hospital, you’ll get saved.”  
You let out a short laugh. “You didn’t want to die, pet, you wanted to forget.”  
“No, I wanted everyone to forget me.”  
“Just vanish. Can understand that.”  
You can. “Am past that, up to the point where I don’t give a shit if they notice me or not.” You send me a incredulous look, as I expected you to. It’s the truth though, the reason is sitting next to me. “Someone notices and that’s enough. Don’t ask me why I fell for you, I don’t know. Many, many reasons, and yet none. It wasn’t a sudden revelation, it just was there and I can’t imagine not loving you anymore. Sounds pretty lame, but there you have it.” I watch the raindrops fall in a small puddle by my feet, counting them.  
“At least you’re honest,” I hear you say. “Pet, look at me.”  
I count the last drop, makes 38 in total, and look up. “This is where you say you don’t love me, but let’s be friends?” I ask, flinching at my own sarcasm.  
A smile. “Never the one for those corny phrases, but that’s more or less what I wanted to say.” You hold up your hand, stopping any reaction form my side. “More or less,” you emphasize. “Luv, I’m a mess right now, barely capable of giving friendship, let alone love. I can only take at the moment, soaking up what you are giving me and let it heal me. It helps, you help. You don’t ask questions, you give the answers. Your smile whenever you see me stops the voices and gives me peace for a while. It’s hard to believe you care about me that way, hell, it’s hard to believe you care at all. I’ve done nothing to deserve that.”  
“Thought you said you weren’t the one for corny phrases,” I cut in.  
A light cuff on my head. “Don’t interrupt me when I’m pouring my heart out.” A hand against my face. “God, pet, what you do to me. One moment I want to run as far away from you as I can, the other I can’t get close enough. I’m constantly worrying about you coming home in one piece. I’m constantly watching you during a fight, hoping you get killed. Love, hate, friendship, resentment.”  
Strangely enough, I get this. I upset the fragile balance you achieved for yourself, am trying to throw you off that tightrope you’re walking. Patience, that’s the bottom line. I need to wait, watch on the sideline and only offer help when its really needed. My fate in life, being the outsider. No, my mind scolds me, this is different. You are asking me to be there, to hold out my hand in case you need support. And if you do, it will be my hand you’ll grab. You’re asking me to keep loving you! I lean in, rub my face against your hand.  
“I’ll be here whenever you need someone. Not asking for promises, well, just one.” I look in your eyes. “Stay.” Because I need you to be here, because I need a hand to grab too.  
You hold my gaze for the longest time, then nod. “Promise.”

'Hand me downs' by the Indigo Girls  
From the album 'Nomads, Indians and Saints'.


End file.
